The Danger Of the Designated Driver Mindset

If at first you don’t succeed…

When I first became a manager I thought I was the smartest person in the room. In fact, I was sure I was the smartest person in the whole company. After all, I was the rising star, the shining beacon of all that you needed to be in order to be promoted. I got shit done!

It was also very clear to me based on my five years of experience that I knew what everyone else in the company was doing wrong and how to fix it. I knew what they didn’t, I understood what they never could and I was going to fix it all. Stand back folks, Gal is coming through!

Needless to say, things didn’t go so well. Mostly because my peers in the management team refused to see the error of their ways. I was right and they were all wrong, but they just couldn’t see it. Which was very frustrating by the way and caused quite a few heated arguments. I beat my head over and over against the wall of their ignorance without making much headway and, two years later, I finally admitted I was working with a bunch of idiots and jumped ship to another company.

You’re probably going to fail again if you just do the same thing

And guess what, the new company was filled with just as many idiots. None of them wanted to listen to me. None of them was willing to admit that they were wrong and try out my better methods. This time I lasted a nine months before moving on to a place that I was hoping would be filled with a better class of idiot.

Alas, third time was not the charm. Except this time I paused to reflect a moment. It seemed obvious to me that I was right and everyone else was wrong but I was willing to admit that perhaps there was a flaw in the way that I was communicating. Perhaps I needed someone to help me figure out how to manage incompetents like these fools I was working with.

So I hired an executive coach. He spent the first week or two interviewing everyone from my current and previous boss to my wife and former co-workers and then we sat down and started talking about a next step.

Adventures in coaching

To be completely honest, I thought the first meeting went horribly. I was expecting him to start teaching me ways to manage people and get them to do what I want. Instead he started the meeting by asking me to meditate with him and then went on to discuss what he called my designated driver mindset. It’s a good thing I paid up front because if it wasn’t for that I don’t think there would have been a second meeting. I’ll spare you the gory details of my first engagement with an executive coach and instead dive right into what he actually taught me, and that is the designated driver mindset.

Think about the designated driver, that wonderfully responsible person who drives a bunch of drunks around. The DD is practically a saint. They’ve volunteered to be the one person in the party who doesn’t have fun. They’re the only one competent enough to drive the car and they have to do so while putting up with a random collection of drunks shouting whatever it is drunk people shout. That was me, but in a professional sense.

I was the designated driver at the companies I worked at, I was the only competent person in the room and if only those drunks would shut the hell up, I would get us home safely. Except of course, I wasn’t.

See, the DD mindset is predicated on a collection of horribly incorrect beliefs. It assumes that everyone else is incompetent and only I know the right way to get things done. In other words, it’s a giant pile of bullshit, which is exactly what my coach pointed out. From him I learned to assume that people around me were competent and well intentioned. I also learned how to assess my own emotions and not let my anger get in the way of my communication. In short, I learned how to be a team player.

The change was pretty remarkable. I got more done at work and at home, plus I was happy. Remember, the designated driver is not a happy role, a necessary one perhaps, but not a happy one. After all, you’re the only one who doesn’t get to have fun.

Takeaways

And since I can’t teach you everything my coach taught me, I will instead leave you with main three points on how to NOT be a designated driver.

Assume competency — Yes, the people around you know what they’re doing. Assume they are good at their job and assume they’ve done their homework. Go into conversations assuming that you are working with a competent co-worker providing good ideas.

Assume good intent — No one is out to get you, no one is out to undermine you, no one is out to make the company fail. Their goals may not be aligned to yours but that doesn’t make them malicious. Assume that everyone you talk to has the best intentions and is working towards the same goal, making the company successful.

Learn To Manage Your Emotions — Yes, it’s ok to get angry and it’s ok to be irritated, but learn to recognize that you’re angry and don’t let anger control your interactions with your co-workers. Someone did something that made you mad? Recognize that, don’t send that angry email and instead learn to walk away for a bit and only come back when you feel ready to have a good, thoughtful exchange.

Remember, while you may think you’re the designated driver, to everyone else you’re just a jerk, and no one wants to work with a jerk.

And for all of you who worked with me during those early years of my management career, I’m truly sorry!